Beautiful Heartbreak

When I was on my mission I was introduced to Hilary Weeks. An LDS singer/songwriter and I loved the songs I heard that were available from my mission (back in 2001). I have since heard a new song called beautiful heartbreak that I have a lot about lately.

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I had my seizures back in July and I had to quit my job recently and though some of the changes were welcomed some of them were unexpected and I am adjusting.... It is hard to be able to find the words to form my thoughts and even get them out.

I am a Child of God

Today was little man's primary program. Every year the children learn songs and perform them in sacrament meeting along with lines that they say. Little man said: Reading my scriptures is a good choice. I am glad that we do read the scriptures and that there would no confusion. My heart was full and I was moved to tears by the sincerity of the words the children spoke.

One song that the children sang that instantly brought tears to my eyes was "I am a Child of God". Little man and I sing this every night before we say prayers and it comforts him and helps put things in perspective for me everyday. Here are the words:

I am a child of God
And He has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
with parents kind and dear
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me.
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with Him some day.

There are no plainer words to be said and no easier ways to convey what we need to do but to find our way back to our Heavenly Father.

Conference Spring 2013

There were so many good talks that I heard but there was one that I just read yesterday that was from Elder Dieter Utchdorf called " Four Titles" and he has always caught my attention. The quote that I loved that he said  was this;

"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents."

This was brought up in Relief Society today and I have been thinking about it a lot. I have been trying to focus more on the positive. We have been very busy the last few weeks. We had Easter the last weekend in March and then Conference weekend the first weekend in April and this weekend we were in Seattle again. I do not think that the people whom I have been surrounded around realize the strength I have felt.
This quote touches me because I have been especially working with the infants/toddlers and I have a few babies that are on the verge of walking and it is so exciting to see them get up and go. I see them fall to their knees and yet I do find myself clapping my hands in accomplishment for the steps they have taken. I do not focus on the stumble. So why do we? We are all striving to become better everyday and if we could see beyond our existence we would see our Father in Heaven cheering us on for our "steps" we took as we became closer to Him.
As we falter, which we will there is a plan in place that will help us get back on our path. This is what purpose the Savior had. We cannot know everything that he endured and did for each one of us and we can not ever repay our debts for His sacrifice. We are so blessed for the atonement and resurrection. Easter has become a very spiritual time for me. I love Christmas because we celebrate the birth of Christ but He gave Himself to die for us and be resurrected. Resurrection to me means no more aliments as well as the atonement which gives us forgiveness and repentance. It is all encompassing and I am so grateful for a loving Redeemer who gave Himself so freely so that we could have all that we have now.

Times

There are times for me when I do not write... they are my down times.... not times when I relax but times when I am feeling down, not feeling like my best self. I understand the importance of service and helping others but I am so tired sometimes...l. physically tired and I wonder if I cannot run faster than I have strength than what can I do?

I become selfish and wonder where are my light houses to look for.. and then they have been there the whole time but I was too busy being inward instead of paying attention to life happening around me. People love you they are always trying to reach out, its just not the people you would expect... Heavenly Father knows what we need more than we do. Trust in Him.

There are times

I don't know if the phrase "this too shall pass" makes me feel very good right now because right now... it sucks. Whether I am bummed by how I have been feeling lately. I thought I would be feeling better.

I do like this quote... The thing is... we are all working on something. Everyone is.

Prayer

The other night I was putting little man to bed and I asked him if he would say the prayer. He said that Heavenly Father would think that he was silly. I told him that Heavenly Father already knew his momma was crazy so it was ok if he was alittle silly, but it did not comfort him. What do we hold back on asking for or talking to our Father in Heaven for because we think its silly?
There are some times when my brain is so fried that I just say..... please understand the things that are hard to put into words right now because my head cannot wrap it around my heart.... and amazingly I feel at peace. These things may seem different but I think that there may be similarities too.
We are not going to be able to get a good relationship if we don't open the lines of communication through prayer and we also need to read our scriptures to receive the inspiration to know the answers. We also need to trust that our Heavenly Father loves us no matter what and we can trust in Him our thoughts, desires, needs, wants and have a conversation with him as we have with our own father here on earth. I am thankful that we can have our own prayers and I hope that we can be comfortable enough to pray without fear for the things that we feel that we want/need/desire in our lives.

Eight years ago

 Time has gone by so fast and cannot believe that it has been eight years since I was sealed to Karl... Its amazing that I have been blessed as much as I have. I have a wonderful family and I cannot ask for more.
 The temple has always been a place of refuge for me. A place of peace and comfort and I am so thankful that I have the chance to go back whenever  I want to feel it again and again.

This is a simple yet very profound statement to me. It is my sons favorite song. The words are:

I am a child of God
and He has sent me here.
Has given me an earthly home,
with parents kind and dear.

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do,
to live with Him some day.

“I Am a Child of God,” Children’s Songbook of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2–3

Each night we sing this and say prayers. There has been a time or two where I have asked him if he knows what it means and he doesn't comprehend it but it comforts him. I think that it comforts me as much as I can understand it. My comfort is mostly in the line "Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him some day." 
We all make mistakes, think that we know more than our Father in Heaven, but ultimately we have to learn to do what is right and we will be blessed for it. We are all at different places and we cannot judge another for where they are, they could be farther than us and we don't know it.. I am just thankful that I can apply the atonement in my life.

First and foremost

I have started other blogs and have lacked but as I was sitting in Relief Society today I got the impression that I needed, whether for myself or for someone else out there, to start this blog.   I spend a lot of time in my own thoughts and most of our own reflections of the world is our own perceptions. That is what this blog is. My own thoughts. I will quote the scriptures and the general authorities and even people close to me but the thoughts and reactions to their thoughts are mine and mine alone. 
I also will not argue. I accept everyone has their own thoughts as I have mine but my blog is not made for me to debate... Its made for me to have an outlet and if you so feel to read and respond, then I am ok, but if the direction does not feel uplifting I will not continue it.
Here is a little about myself. I was born into an LDS family. My father was raised in Utah and met my mother while working in a Radio Shack in 1976 in Pendleton, Or and they got married June 4, 1977. My mother is a convert to the church and my parent were sealed in the temple December 12, 1987. I am old enough to remember going and being a part of the wonderful temple ceremony and that has always been a blessing to me. My family growing up struggled with staying active in the church but when I was in Young Womens I went as much as I could and I took my little brother with me too. Little did he know he kept me going as much as I kept him going. I met some amazing people in the singles ward and we have become best friends throughout the years and I met my eternal companion there. In the middle of all that I also served a mission in the Oklahoma Tulsa Mission. I now have a wonderful husband and an amazing 5 year old son and my life has trials, like everyone else..... But Heavenly Father loves us all.